Well, I think junior and senior are well on their way to becoming friends.... they are playing together now - although that consists of Ellie clamping her jaws around Lulu's tail and clinging on as Lulu runs away! At least it means a different diversion to chewing things in the house...

Damn. So we have a stair gate (to stop previous puppys from getting upstaris)... but we'd lost the screw bits that actually secure the thing. Anyway - found replacements on the internet, only £8 - bargain. Got them today... fitted the stair gate... took the monster approx 2 mins to work out there was a slightly larger gap at one side & squeezed through.... either that or she is truely a beast of the underworld and she simply went through the bloody thing!

Well, another night with no visit from the banshee.... She hasn't been swapped though - she was just lulling us into a false sense of security. She has now found that it's far more fun to run around the garden in the rain and hide in bushes when I try to get her to come inside. And strip the bushes of all leaves. And branches. And if that doesn't amuse her there's always the mud. Along one of the hedges there are a series of (when it hasn't been raining for days on end) dust baths which have been lovingly created by the chickens..... Well, Ellie thinks - oooh, I'll do an impression of a pig hunting truffles, then oooh I wonder if that root will pull out of the ground, then hmmmm, I'm tired, I think I'll just lie in here and have a roll around.... So dust bath is now mud bath.... 'golden' puppy is now black puppy....

Well I don't know how they did it, but someone has swapped Ellie for a different dog. It must be a different dog - she went to bed last night and didn't bark or yap. No banshee wails during the night and she didn't stir until 6.30 - there's no way that's the same dog we had last week!

8.30

First major incident!
So she's had her breakfast and had a snooze, off out into the garden. As it's still raining we go out the front. She's usually quite good - straight onto the grass and does her business. The same today, but then she decides she wants to explore. We have a small pond in the corner of the front garden. Well she's never really noticed it before. She did today. I just managed to catch hold of her before she went plodging (well, it's quite deep so it wouldn't have been quite plodging, more drowning!). As I got myself unentangled from the bushes surrounding the pond I saw a fluffy white bum crawling under the gate. So, it's 8.30 on a Monday morning and we live on the main road through the village. My heart stopped. I ran straight through the gate, saw her ON THE ROAD, forgot to look right to see if there was anything coming, ran after her and grabbed her. Fortunately for me and Ellie the driver of the car that had been coming was alert and had slowed down. Well that's it. No more front garden for her! And she's getting training on the lead too.
Her response to the drama? Once back inside she legged it upstairs and did a poo on the carpet. And it smelt. Bad.

Week 2

Is she improving I ask myself... Well if this morning is anything to go by, I think not...
03.45 the whining started. Ignore her and she'll go away I repeated to myself time and again. It worked! Only about 5 minutes of an ear drum bursting assault....
06.15 it starts again. OK, that's not too bad I suppose. Well, considering I'm meant to be on holiday it's not brilliant getting up this early, but I can put up with it. Raining this morning so she doesn't want to stay out long - think she's more bothered about her stomach than her bowels. Dog food for breakfast is not good enough for missy this morning - supposed I'd better make some scrambled egg again before I get barked at...

06.45

Well - what did I tell you.... of course she wasn't exhausted! At least I got a couple of hours sleep!

03.15

Just in case you missed that... QUARTER PAST THREE IN THE MORNING! I didn't even realise there was more than one three o clock on a Sunday - the only one I knew about was when the match kicks off!
So it started with a low level whimpering with the occasional yap and built up to a full blown banshee wail. My god - do you not know what sleep is? OK - so perhaps she's desperate and for once doesn't want to piss and crap in the house? I pull myself out of bed and take her out - and to be fair she needed to do both... then ran off to play with a stick. Well, sorry, but at that time of the morning (what am I saying?? It's the middle of the night not the morning!), there's no way I'm playing with a stick. A prompt dive for her, stick removed from the mouth and she's carried indoors... not putting up with her games!
If only I had.
I carry her upstairs, put her back to bed and climb into bed myself. Before I even get the chance to close my eyes the whining starts... a pathetic sounding but loud high pitched whine - one guaranteed to ensure you cannot get to sleep, probably guaranteed to wake every living creature within a 500m radius. The whine is interrupted every few seconds with a yap/bark which is probably capable of shattering glass... Oh joy.
Well - she's probably just wanting attention, best to ignore her - she'll stop the noise soon..... I guess that depends on your definition of soon. In this case 'soon' was just under an hour. I wonder if you can remove vocal cords from dogs?
You'd have thought that she'd be exhausted after that wouldn't you? Yeah... right....

1 week since Ellie arrived

OK, so she's been here a week. Is she house trained? Nope. Well sort of. Now that she can go upstairs I think that she sees that as one big toilet for her to use. But she's OK downstairs.
Is she better trained? Nope. She clearly knows her name but is far too headstrong & independent to deign to come to you when you call her.
Is she bigger? Probably. I'm not sure as I've been with her every day. She's heavier (is 1/2 a kilo in a week normal?), not surprised with the amount she manages to wolf down!

The Monster

So anyway, it's the weekend so I have reinforcements. We were lucky today - she didn't stir until about 6am and I got to stay in bed while she was taken out - a nice change! I actually got to slob around in bed for a couple of hours while she had breakfast etc. but after her breakfast she was straight up to see me. Ha - the bed is too high for her to jump up onto!
The bed, however is not too high for senior retriever to jump onto. I haven't really mentioned our other dog (Lulu) other than the puke on the leg incident.... she's not exactly comfortable with other dogs - usually just runs away from them. After a week she hasn't really warmed to her new 'sister' yet and is happier just avoiding her....
Well, this morning Ellie decides that the bedroom is a new play area and tries to play with Lulu. She's not stupid though - she knows the bed is a safe haven! Plonk! Big retriever on the bed. Somehow she manages to get her paws under the quilt and her tongue around the back of my neck at the same time.... So what does the little one do? Easy! She opts for the shrill yap - the one that attempts to cleave your head in half with the maximum pain possible. At the same time she attempts to use my arm as some sort of ladder to climb onto the bed (note - puppies have sharp claws). In between yaps she attempts to bite my arm - an extra point of leverage on the 'arm ladder' I suppose (note - puppies have very sharp teeth). Anyway, Lulu is sort of attempting to play with her over the edge of the bed.
With hindsight, the wise thing to do would have been to get her off the bed to see if they would play together. Instead, I decided the good thing to do would be to lift Ellie up.... It wasn't as bad as you'd think.... Other than pillows on the floor and a big knot instead of a quilt there wasn't much of a problem - I don't think they're best of mates yet but it's a bit of acceptance....

12.30

OK... now I'm baffled. Search over, no gas mask needed. Every room upstairs has been searched (even the ones which had closed doors - you never know!). No pile of poo. Unless I'm going very blind. Yes - I wear glasses but I'm sure my eyes aren't that bad.
The question remains - where did the stench come from? Can such a small dog produce such a potent fart? Would the smell linger that long? I'm not sure... but that means that the only other explanation is that in the space of a minute the little terror went upstairs, did the whole sniff ritual (why do dogs need to find a nice smelling place to deposit a turd on?), did the deed and then gobbled it down. Doesn't sound likely....

11.30

Well, the great poo hunt is on.... I turned my back for two seconds and she was gone. I heard a noise from upstairs so went to investigate... got to the top of the stairs and my nose was assaulted by something that smelt like a thousand putrid sewers. Oh good - something else to clean up. But where is it? I let my nose follow the trail although my eyes were now starting to sting. Where is it? God knows... Not in the room where the stink was the strongest that's for sure.... this couldn't have just been a fart could it? Surely not. A full sweep of upstairs and there is nothing - surely something producing this sort of stench must be massive? Perhaps she's hidden it? Eaten the evidence?? Suppose I'd better find a gas mask and go and look again!

Well, the third day of writing and to be honest I thought I'd run out of things to say pretty quickly. I think puppy has different ideas though!
The siren started a bit later this morning - 5.40, wow she let me have an extra 20 minutes sleep! Same drill. Grope for clothes (put T-shirt on backwards), stumble downstairs carrying puppy, blind myself putting the kitchen lights on... Hmmm... is puppy leaking? I'm sure I haven't touched anything wet but my arm is not dry. My arm is suspiciously close to the bottom half of puppy - oh well, could be worse I suppose - could have been solid....
Out into the garden. Still dark and a bit of rain coming down I'm hoping she's quick doing what she needs to do. Ha! No chance of that.... she wants to play. At 5.45 in the morning she thinks I'm going to chuck a ball around the garden! No way! I make a half-arsed attempt at kicking the ball, forgetting it has been out all day yesterday in the rain - it rolls precisely 2 feet. I get a look from her as if to say 'what the hell was that? that was pathetic' - she barks at me (sorry neighbours!) then decides to do an impression of a very small express train around the garden. Fine. At least I don't have to chuck the ball.
Eventually she does her business and fast as lightning turns round and collects half of it in her mouth. Yum yum - nice breakfast....
So now I have a dilemma... do I let her get on with it or try to remove nice fresh warm poo (yuk) from her mouth? I'm lucky this morning - she dropped it.. woo hoo! Quick - get her inside before she tries again!

20.00

Well, not much to report tonight.... the monster is less of a monster as the day goes on I think. She did help to herd up the chickens who had jumped over the fence into the front garden. Help may be the wrong word. Scared the living daylights out of the poor buggers may be a bit more accurate - 4 less eggs tomorrow I think. Oh, and she crapped on the carpet again. And we've had to move the yucca due to it now having half the leaves it used to have. It's only got half the soil too so that's all right then...

13.00

Could this be a sign of better times? I was actually allowed enough time to both prepare and eat my lunch! Well almost. Before I was allowed to make my lunch, I was barked/yapped at until I prepared some lunch for her... she didn't even eat it all the ungrateful lump! Anyway, while she was eating I made mine and ate it, she just settled down for a snooze.
I have now found that I have to keep my eye on her permanently though... stop watching for half a second and away she goes upstairs! I hate to think what mayhem she'd cause up there if I didn't realise she'd gone.... mind you - she hasn't mastered getting back down yet.... if I let her go up would I get a bit of peace and quiet for a while??? Hmmm.... I think not - more likely the banshee will return!

10.55

What have I done to deserve this? As if looking after the monster isn't enough, the other one decides to start retching... I run to the patio door to let her out... not quick enough, dog puke down my leg. Excellent. So happy. OK, so I let both of them out while I clean the mess up... oh, we only have 1 single sheet of kitchen roll left - wonder if I can wring out the icky yellowish goo that I'm trying to soak up? Oh well - big lumps cleared up and the mop will have to do the rest...
Now, trousers and socks in the washing machine, I'll just nip upstairs for some clean ones...
Remember the post about not having peace any more when I go upstairs? You might see what's coming here.... So, putting on clean socks and I look up just in time to see puppy producing what appears to be a replica of Lake Windermere on the carpet... refer back to earlier regarding kitchen roll.... ah well, toilet roll will have to do.... could today get worse???

7.45

Experiment time..... will we be able to leave the house without something similar to an air-raid warning sounding from the pooch? Dog cages are wonderful things - they stop a puppy destroying your house but they're not sound-proof are they!
Well - here goes.... several toys in the cage, chuck a puppy biscuit in to get her in there (funny, she eats better than I do!), close the cage and run for the door.....
A brief yelp starts.... building up into a full blown wail.... then, to my surprise all goes quiet... quick - out the door! I wait to see if any more noise comes out of her.... perhaps she's lost her voice?? (I couldn't be that lucky could I??)
It seems to be going well - off to the newsagents for a paper... it's only a 5 minute walk so pooch will be alone for 10 minutes....
Back - I listen at the door... my eardrums aren't burst - all is quiet... I open the door and see (very briefly) a calm, sedate, relaxed puppy.... she sees me and I'm assaulted with noise!
Ah well... experiment may have been successful!

7.30

Marvellous. The brief seconds of peace I was able to grab by nipping upstairs have gone. Puppy has learnt to climb the stairs. A whole new set of rooms to explore. Or at least more wires to chew, more plants to ruin, more soil to scatter.... you get the picture....

6.30

I sense the banshee is about to wail again.... Oh no - she needs breakfast!.... I quickly rise from my stolen 40 winks and head off to the kitchen. This morning it seems that her normal dog food is not good enough for madam - perhaps it doesn't smell as inviting as her own poo? Just as well we have a glut of eggs at the moment - a couple quickly scrambled and waiting to cool... hope madam doesn't turn her nose up at these too!
Saved for 15 minutes - puppy has mistress looking after her before she goes to work. A quick shower to wake myself up - probably the only 15 minutes peace I'll get all day....

05.15

I am rudely brought into the land of the living by a sound similar to a cross between the Hound of the Baskervilles and a banshee. Oh joy. A certain young lady has decided it's time for her morning ablutions and nothing is going to shut her up until she's been out. Still dark, bleary eyed I stumble into some clothes and into the garden with the 'bundle of joy'. Does she do her business? Of course not - there are sticks and stones to distract her.... 10 minutes later she eventually deposits a mountain which smells worse than a bookies toilet, turns round, sniffs it and has a quick lick - gross!
I bring her inside and collapse on the sofa for a well earned snooze...

So, today is day 3 of puppy training. By training I mean chasing the little bugger around the garden, removing various stones, sticks, soil and occasionally chicken shit from her mouth and pulling her out from underneath the hedge where she seems to think there is some buried treasure. To be expected I guess, but you'd have thought the bugger would have the decency to actually go to the toilet while outside wouldn't you? Oh no.... not this one. 5 milliseconds after coming back inside she has the amazing talent of producing the biggest turd you could imagine a puppy could produce and depositing it on the carpet. And then running towards you with a proud smile on her face as if to say "look at the size of that!" Nice. If she's not shitting she's patrolling around all of the plant pots she can find to either push/pull them over, or grabbing mouthfuls of soil and then spreading it liberally around the house. The joys of puppies.
Could be worse I suppose - they say babies are hard work....
So what can I look forward to tomorrow I wonder - I guess there is still puke and she's not quite yet managed to eat her own crap - just a matter of time though!